Adventures in English

For those who native language is not English, learning the language can be a challenging, frustrating, and sometimes baffling process. And for anyone born in Asian countries, learning English can be even more of a challenge. In addition to trying to pronounce words correctly, most Asians face the added challenge of learning an entirely new alphabet. In Thailand for example, we don’t have ABCs, but instead write with characters such as:  ก   ข   ค

 

Despite such linguistic hurdles, you would expect the media, government agencies, and big businesses in Asia to be able to use English correctly, especially when they are trying to communicate with English-speaking residents or tourists. Alas, that’s rarely the case here in Thailand. Walk around Bangkok’s Suvarnabhumi International Airport and have fun picking out the mistakes and/or puzzling wording on posted signs. Look at the website of the Tourism Authority of Thailand, or even those of daily newspapers such as the Bangkok Post or The Nation for more odd English usage. Mistakes run rampant.

 

There was a short article in Thursday’s edition of the Bangkok Post about a “Children Festival” that a local chain of bookshops, Asia Books, is holding this month. Thailand-based author Pongpol Adireksarn (a former politician who writes under the name of Paul Adirex) will, according to the article, “recount interesting stories from his experience of travelling the world, seeing and living with wild animals.” Living with wild animals? And here we thought the Red Shirts were difficult neighbors to have! Ole Paul needs to write more about his experiences “living with wild animals.” Or perhaps they were just Liverpool fans.

 

Asia Books, who specialize in selling English language books, is calling their promotion “Uncle Paul with Adventure Story.” Huh? Wouldn’t it have been better to call their event “Adventure Stories with Uncle Paul” or “Uncle Paul Reads Adventure Stories”? But no, some sixth grade graduate working for Asia Books, who still can’t grasp the concept of plurals, has decided to call it “Uncle Paul with Adventure Story.” Pathetic.

 

The article goes on to note that “as part of the festival children can enjoy wild animal coloring activities with equipment provided by Stabilo in every Asia Books branch from noon to 5pm daily until the end of the month.” I have no idea who or what Stabilo is, or what sort of “equipment” they are providing, but that sentence conjures up vivid images of kids running around with paint guns, delightfully spraying colorful stripes on tigers and monkeys as they leap around the room. The potential for total chaos is ripe. I think it might be wise to stay away from those Asia Books branches until this potentially insane promotion has run its course.

https://www.asiabooks.com/EventsDetail.aspx?ID=73

 

Immigration Men

There has been a lot of negative press in recent months about the long delays getting through immigration at Bangkok’s Suvarnabhumi International Airport. In some cases, passengers arriving at the airport have had to wait nearly two hours to get processed by the understaffed and overworked immigration officers. I’ve never had to endure nearly that long a wait upon arrival at the airport in the past year, but I have noticed a much longer wait to get OUT of the country; crazy, alarmingly long lines that test the patience of even the most hardened traveler.

 

But when I took a flight from Bangkok to Phnom Penh last week, I was startled to show up at immigration and find myself stepping right up to the desk, no waiting whatsoever. And no, it wasn’t April Fool’s Day. After all the complaints they were getting recently, the authorities reportedly hired a bunch of new immigration officers, or in some cases reassigned some warm bodies, to immigration. Whether this is a temporary fix — just in time for the Thai New Year water festival the middle of this month — or a sign that they have finally decided to get matters organized properly is uncertain at this point.

 

After that pleasant immigration processing when exiting the kingdom, I had a totally opposite experience when returning later in the week. The lines at the immigration arrival desks were as long as usual, but they’ve initiated a new “snake line” system that supposedly makes the waiting time more equitable for everyone. They have also hired “document checkers,” young women who make sure you have completed the arrival form properly before you reach the immigration desk. The biggest problem with the new system seems to be the recently hired immigration officers. I have no idea what sort of training they received, but two officers that I observed were taking a very long time to process passports, and one of them had to call over a supervisor twice while I was waiting in line. And of course that’s the guy I got. Once I got to the desk, it took only slightly longer than normal to get my passport back, with a rare smile no less! But on a hunch, I looked at the new expiration stamp inside the passport. As I had feared, this guy had totally screwed up: he had given me a 30-day tourist visa instead of using the 1-year non-immigrant visa that was already stamped inside the passport. Instead of expiring in October, my visa was now only good until late April. I brought this matter to his attention and he apologized. But he clearly didn’t know what to do at this point, so once again a supervisor was called to the scene. Instead of giving me a new stamp, he took a pen, changed the date, and initialed it. I asked him in Thai if there would be any problem the next time I left and re-entered the country, but he assured me that everything would be kosher. Except he obviously didn’t use the word “kosher.”

 

Once I had finally made it through that immigration maze of hell, I rushed over to the baggage carousel, only to discover that none of the bags from my flight had started coming out yet! Upon landing, we had to wait nearly 15 minutes before disembarking because a bus had not arrived to take us to the terminal, and now there more delays! If this had been someone’s first trip to Thailand, I can only imagine they would be wondering what sort of inept place they were visiting. Not exactly a favorable first impression of a normally delightful country.  But hey, at least it’s not as awful as the United States of Agony, where redneck immigration and customs officials would detain you — deciding that you fit the profile of a sex tourist, drug dealer, and/or terrorist — take you into a room, and subject you to more interrogation and humiliation. You know, on second thought, maybe having to wait in line for an hour or two isn’t such a bad thing after all.

Bangkok’s Airport Blues

Bangkok’s Suvarnabhumi International Airport is in the news again this week, and as usual the reports are not very positive. A survey conducted by the Airports Council International in the “customer satisfaction” category, found that Suvarnabhumi dropped from 24th place in 2009 to a ranking of 45th in 2010. According to an article in Saturday’s Bangkok Post, “airport cleanliness and immigration clearance efficiency” were big factors in the drop.

Suvarnabhumi first opened in September of 2006 and almost immediately the facility has been beset with a non-stop series of glitches and bad press. Where did the problems with this airport all start? Maybe the fact that an area previously known as “Cobra Swamp” was chosen as the location for the huge new airport was an omen. The term “snake-bitten” springs to mind. Then they saddled the airport with a name, Suvarnabhumi, that is virtually impossible for foreigners to pronounce correctly (if you want to be understood, say: “Soo-wanna-poom”).

 

Then there is the design of the airport. Sure, the exterior looks sleek and modern. I’m sure the architects are proud of it. But as soon as the taxi has dropped you off at “the curb,” the bad vibe begins. The first thing you notice is that you haven’t really been dropped off at the entrance: you still must cross another busy lane of traffic to enter the terminal. There is nobody around to stop the traffic or to signal pedestrians that it’s safe to cross, nor are there any lights. Basically, it’s an “at your own risk” situation. But this hazardous spot is typical of Thailand: pedestrians are forced to become very alert. Look both ways, and then again. Take nothing for granted, especially the silly notion that vehicles will stop — or even slow down — when pedestrians attempt to make a crossing.

If you have made it safely to the entrance, step inside and remain alert, just to make sure that you aren’t run over by a long train of luggage carts (the ones that haven’t been stolen) that some employee is attempting to “steer” around the check-in area. Look around and marvel at the interior of the terminal: very futuristic … and very sterile. The facility is incredibly flawed, and nothing flows. There is no logic to the layout. Check-in counters are positioned so badly that long lines quickly develop, creating one big obstacle course in the terminal. The ceilings are too high, which makes it nearly impossible to cool the place adequately, and the lighting outside of the check-in area is too dim (supposedly they are going to solve this problem by repositioning the light fixtures).

 

Immigration lines are notoriously much too long. In fact there has been a recent spate of letters to the editor in the Bangkok Post complaining about this issue. Sometimes, the immigration process requires agonizing waits of nearly an hour, or longer. That’s beyond ridiculous. No other airport in Southeast Asia forces passengers to wait so long. Of course “immigration lines” fall under two types: the lines you wait in to exit the country, and the lines you wait in when entering the kingdom. The lines at Suvarnabhumi are almost always longer for those leaving Thailand, and in recent months the problem has become much worse. Just because it’s high season right now is no excuse. Whoever is in charge of organizing (for lack of a better word) the immigration process is asleep at the wheel.  

Once you have escaped the eternal immigration queue, and have passed through the annoying security area (where you have to remove your belt and anything in your pockets — but at least you don’t have to take off your shoes), you must then navigate the maze of shops that clutter the corridors in order to find your departure gate. It’s extremely difficult to spot gate signs amidst all the clutter of merchandise, advertisements, and other crap that sprout like gaudy stalactites and stalagmites from the floors and ceilings. Is this a shopping center or an airport?

 

Another frequent complaint is about the taxi/limo touts who roam the arrival area, hoping to take advantage of unsuspecting tourists looking for transportation into town. Why these freelance creeps in their slick suits and sinister smiles are even allowed in the building in the first place is enough to raise eyebrows. Another problem is the way they make finding the public taxi stand (which has been moved three times since the airport opened) such a challenge. Once again, poor signage is the main culprit. And at the hidden taxi stand they still force passengers to pay a 50 baht surcharge on top of the meter fare. And just hope you get a taxi driver who isn’t bitter that he’s had to wait in the queue for several hours already, and isn’t going to make a killing by taking you to Pattaya. Others have also complained about the lack of wi-fi at the airport, but I think that’s going beyond picky. Who cares if the laptop-toting slackers can’t have their precious wi-fi for an hour or two? Boo-hoo, get a life! Go drink a latte at Starbucks and maybe they’ll let you “hang out” and peck away on your laptop for free. Otherwise, read a book and shut up.

It took nearly five years, but the rail link to the airport finally opened late last year. At this point, I don’t think many people are very excited or are flocking to use the trains. And even this “convenient” new rail system is laden with problems. It’s overpriced and the stations (hey, poor signage once again!) are not well positioned to other rail links or major roads. The train itself is fast (at least the non-stop train; the cheaper train that stops at several stations is much slower), but the problems arise once you reach the stations. They don’t all have escalators yet, forcing anyone with multiple bags to do a lot of lifting. Finding the correct exit in the cavernous stations is the next dilemma. And once you have escaped the building, finding transportation to get home is the final obstacle. Where are they hiding the motorcycle taxi stands?

 

Now that the New Year is here and they’ve raised the ticket price of the train (say goodbye to those cheap opening specials), the cost is about the same at taking a taxi, at least from my side of town. And if you factor in the additional cost of taking a taxi from the train station to your home (unless you live close enough to walk), you’re probably better off just skipping the train altogether and taking a taxi all the way from the airport.